And I want to break free Freddie Mercury ugly Christmas shirt, sweater I ate it up, because I literally had nothing else to eat. Nothing to feed my spirit, much less my body. All I had was this constant reassurance that I had value. Of sorts. I began to look at photos of myself from before, when I had weighed 136 pounds. I thought, how could I have let myself get so gross? No wonder he dumped me! Never again will I let myself go like that. My next husband will look at other men and their fat wives with pity, then turn to me with pride as he carries me on his arm. Because I’ll be too skinny to hold myself up. I look again at the photo from 2014. I felt more gorgeous then than I have at any other time in my life. Maybe you’ll agree. Men in their twenties tried to get me to come home with them that night. The external validation was absolutely intoxicating.
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The I want to break free Freddie Mercury ugly Christmas shirt, sweater difference between my life in 2014 and my life in 2019 is night and day. In 2014 I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Wash, rinse, repeat, day after day. No prospect of affection, not a moment of joy in sight. Today, from the ashes of that life, I have a husband who adores me and loves my girls like his own. I have a beautiful home in a wonderful community with great schools for my girls. I have a church community, family, and friends. I have a fulfilling job with coworkers and clients I treasure. I’m now technically overweight; the heaviest I’ve ever been. Age and declining metabolism are partially to blame; but ultimately I got this way because I ate too much. I ate too much because I could finally relax enough to eat. I ate too much because I finally had someone to go out to eat with. I ate too much because I wanted to celebrate these gifts, having felt deprived for so long. I ate too much because it felt good; and I hadn’t felt good in years.